I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
