you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
