OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
