My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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