There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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