i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
