if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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