If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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