i need an iv and a liver transplant
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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