i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
