I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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