That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
