you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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