"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
