youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
