sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
