I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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