I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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