Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
