You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
