You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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