One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
