I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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