there's paper in my vomit.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
