last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
