I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
