i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
