I'm really into asian looking animals
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
