i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
