hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
