Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
