A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
cat food counts as protein by the way
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
God I need to hump something, right now.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
