I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
