Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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