Cold hands, warm shart.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
