oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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