I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We had to coat check the pizza.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
