Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
