wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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