Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
