A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
