if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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