I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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