When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
