Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
