You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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