I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
