Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
