You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
