i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
it hurts more in the daytime
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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