i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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