why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
