She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
