It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
