I wanna bring you to show and tell
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
