I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
