So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
