I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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